Leadership That Does Not Polarize

I spent some time this week sitting with my grandchildren and consulting with a client virtually. I listened to the news after putting them to bed each night. I was struck by how polarized our world has become—not only in communities but also within companies. As I watched my grandkids playing with the neighborhood kids, I saw a brief polarization as to how the game should go, and then I saw them work things out and meet in the middle. So here is a question: What happened to us in the companies and communities that we can’t do this? Why do we just jump to the opposites filled with hatred, distrust, misconceptions, bias and misinformation?

A great deal of social behavioral theory came from a man named Murray Bowen. To oversimplify one of his theories, he said that when two people are polarized, you must bring each of them back to center. You cannot work on one or the other, you need to bring both parties to reach center ground. I believe that much of Bowen’s theories were scripture based. Scripture tells us to use all of our energy to get along with others. It tells us to help others with encouraging words: Don’t drag them down by finding fault. So, what do you think? Do we drag others down by finding fault in today’s world? Have you watched the news lately? And here's a follow up question: How is it working for us?

And so, I had a number of conversations with my client this week. At his request, I am working with him to make him a better leader because he feels that he is at one end of a continuum and his team members are at the other end. What is making it difficult for him is that leadership presence is not what you intend to project, it is all about how others experience you. His intentions are good, but we need to work on how others experience him. I believe that it is much the same with media today. It is not as much about the intent as it is how others experience it.

But in the company, it is the subtle authority that makes people listen in and trust you without you needing to raise your voice or express anger.

I noticed during my site visit that my client just disappears sometimes. This is bad when it matters most because silence in the face of conflict or pressure signals fear. Leadership is not about being everywhere all the time, it is about showing up when it matters the most. I also noticed him glancing at his phone and multitasking during meetings with his key team members. And I listened to him rush through conversations. All of these sent messages to his team which said you are not worthy of my attention. What he doesn’t realize is that presence is focus—nothing more, nothing less.

The next issue that I discussed with my client is one that I see very commonly in many of the organizations I consult with and in fact, I have seen it in an organization that I was personally involved in. It is this: If you only value tasks and never the people behind them, your team will comply, but they will never commit. Presence of leadership thrives on empathy not transactions. This is also where our society today could use some help—to gather not divide, to show empathy and not hatred, to value people and not transaction only.

Another thing that caught my ear during the site visit was the use of vague and ambiguous statements. Ambiguity does not build trust. Team members become lost. Even when the path is unclear, clarity is essential.

Another common aspect of polarization in organizations is what I call “fixing fast”. The world today is so fast paced that we think that we need to fix everything fast. The problem is that when we fix fast, we silence voices, and this often leads to polarization. Because when we jump to solutions without listening, we often ignore the middle. As leaders and in life we need to listen first and solve later.

But perhaps the biggest mistake in leadership and in life is to let emotions run the show. You see, irritation, defensiveness and sarcasm linger longer than you think. I witnessed this in an organization that I worked with, and leadership did nothing about this because the short-term results were good. However, I expect to see that leader polarize the organization eventually. The bottom line is that emotional control and calm steadiness hold teams together. And it holds societies together, too!

Even though it seems like the world today thinks otherwise, the presence of a leader is not charisma. It is not dominating the news, the boardroom, or the conference room. It is quiet strength that others feel in your words, your actions, your tone of voice and your consistency. Leadership is not built by grand moments, it is built in small habits repeated daily.

If you don’t believe me, watch some kids work things out on the neighborhood playground. They have empathy for the youngest player out there. They find solutions that work for both teams. They listen to each other. Our leaders, organizations and our society could take lessons from the kids!