Leadership is Lonely: How to shift your current situation

I had a consulting gig this week and it caught me off guard. I have to admit, after several decades in this business, I am not used to this. And I never expected to hear it in a business setting. But with AI infiltrating the business setting, I suspect that this may be more and more of a problem. As I sat in the conference room discussing the issues facing this leader, I heard one prevailing thread—loneliness.

It is not just a problem in the business world; it is a problem in society in general. In an article in Psychology Today by Phillip Zimbardo he said, T'here is no more destructive influence on physical and mental health today than the isolation of you from me and us from them.” Loneliness is a central agent of depression, paranoia, schizophrenia, rape, suicide, mass murder and many other diseases.

So, what is loneliness? It is an anxiety that doesn’t come or go, but remains with you at all times and smothers you in the still of the night. It is a subtle stress that weighs you down until you feel devoid of energy and enthusiasm. That is what my client told me: “I will tell you what my problem is but I doubt you can help me. I have no energy. I have no enthusiasm for my job anymore.” It is a longing for completeness.

How do people typically handle these unwanted feelings? They fill them up with other things—from food to drink to drugs to work. We strain the relationships we have by placing obsessive demands on them. As I interviewed this person’s team members, I kept hearing how obsessive this person was and how demanding it was to work for them. Many times, to deal with the anxiety of being lonely, we flee into fantasy worlds, new cities, new businesses, new churches and new relationships. As I continued to get to know my client better, I found out that he was soon to be divorced for the third time. I also found out that he was considering starting up another business and he recently changed churches!

Who are the lonely? Obviously, the first kinds of people that came to my mind while writing this is a workaholic or the lonely spouse whose mate is a workaholic. But I have seen many other examples of it lately just in society in general. The lonely survivor. Lonely senior citizens because most of their friends have passed or moved away. The lonely sufferer and the care givers of the sufferer. Even the lonely servant of God. Because that person, many times, must keep themselves out of the politics and pressures of running a church.

Normalizing loneliness as a leadership cost and not a personal flaw helped my client significantly. Just understanding that they feel lonely because they care helps. So does naming it, because it helps you respond wisely instead of just withdrawing. A common leadership trap is saying, “I’ll just handle it.” I suggested that he identify 1-2 people that he could talk to honestly and set boundaries around what he would share, not whether or not he would share. Strength includes support. I also suggested that he develop a full identity outside of his role. When leadership becomes your primary identity, loneliness deepens. Invest in friendships, hobbies, or physical practices outside of work. This releases pressure on workplace relationships to meet all emotional needs. Join interest-based communities online or in person.

We talked about separating connection from authority. He needs to build professional warmth, curiosity, consistency and respect with his team, and accept that some emotional distance is part of leadership—not a failure. Reframing reduces self-blame. He should create peer-level relationships outside of his organization, maybe a leadership peer group, industry meet-ups or continue using me as a mentor and coach. These are all spaces where you can seek freely without managing power dynamics.

My client was concerned about being vulnerable with his team and peers. And you don't need to overshare, but being human builds connection. This is a tough one for hard-driving people. Share the process, not the burden. For example: this decision was tough; here is how I thought about it. In other words, acknowledge uncertainty without offloading anxiety invites respect and connection. Finally, build intentional one on one moments. Loneliness often comes from surface level interactions. Do regular one-on-ones with genuine listening. Ask open questions and pause. Let silence do its work. Feeling known—even briefly—matters.

Scripture is very honest about loneliness. Moses carried burdens he couldn’t share; David wrote Psalms from places of isolation; Elijah felt alone and depleted after great success. Loneliness is not the absence of God—it is often the cost of responsibility. We need to anchor our identity in God not in the role. Leadership can quietly replace sonship/daughterhood. Our worth is not in being needed, respected or strong. We are first known and loved by God. As leaders, we need to regularly return to prayer as a child of God, not as a leader. Bring loneliness to God honestly. Not in polished prayers, not in “strong” prayers, but in truthful prayers. Accept that leadership narrows certain relationships. Inner circles are biblical and boundaries are not unloving. Ask God for one or two trusted companions, not approval from everyone. Seek fellowship outside of your chain of authority.

Dependence on God is not failure, it’s formation. Lead from dependence not self-sufficiency. When leaders feel that they must be spiritually and emotionally complete, loneliness grows. Scripture reminds us that God’s grace is sufficient for us and His power is made perfect in our weakness. Let solitude become communion, not isolation. Isolation says I am alone. Solitude says God is with me here. Do a quiet reframe. Loneliness in leadership can become a place of deeper prayer and a time for refining motives.

Obviously, these principles are not just for leadership. These principles apply to everyone because we all feel lonely in this busy world that we live in. But you can take action because you are never truly alone, it is up to you. Acknowledge loneliness without judging yourself. Stay connected in small, realistic ways; send a short message, comment online, sit in a café or public place just to be around people. Build routines that include purpose. Exercise or walk; learn something new; volunteer or help in small ways. Do things that let you express yourself: journaling, music, art, or even talking out loud. Be kind to yourself in solitude. Treat yourself the way a close friend would, with comfort, patience, and warmth. Seek deeper connection when possible. Consider therapy, a support group or a one-to-one mentor. Join interest-based communities.

Loneliness everywhere—in the boardroom, in the executive suite, in the schools, and in the kitchen. Know when to ask for help. If it turns into despair, numbness, thoughts of harming yourself or others, it is important to talk to a professional or a trusted person right away—you don’t have to carry that alone.