Focus: Where are you looking these days?

Today is about external success vs. internal exhaustion. I see it as an epidemic out there.

One of my most successful clients told me something today that shocked me. He said, “I am exhausted by my life.” Not because anything is going badly. His business is doing extraordinarily well. It is growing. It out pacing the benchmarks of others in his industry. Personally, he is financially thriving. He is well respected in his industry and in his community. He is in great shape, and his family is all healthy.

To any outsider looking in, it is enviable. To most, they would say he is winning. And yet he wakes up every morning at 3:37 am and wants to go back to sleep but he can’t. His mind is full of what needs to happen for the day. And he is totally exhausted. In his words, “I feel like I am carrying a backpack full of 25 pound kettle balls." So I asked, “Have you been to the doctor?" He said yes, and the doctor said he is in perfect health! I replied, "But how about burnout—did you discuss that? It is pretty common in today’s world." He said, “I went to a mental health counselor to see if that was the case and she told me that she didn’t think so." Puzzling, right?

So, we made a list of everything that he was doing in a day, in a week, in a month, and in a year. This is a technique that I learned from my coach who taught me coaching. And as we talked, I suddenly realized that it wasn’t what he was doing that exhausted him. It was his identity that was exhausting him. He built this identity around him, and he was very proud of it. But that image was causing him pressure to maintain it. He had to keep winning—a loss here and there was just not acceptable. He thrived to remain relevant and remain impressive and important. And he “had to be certain about all of his decisions.”

The exhausting part wasn’t the work itself it was the constant maintenance of this self-image that he created. Some would call it pride. And I see this all over the corporate world as I consult and coach. But even more disturbing is that I see it in our culture in general. Many people seem to be extraordinarily skilled at winning socially constructed games that they created. They seem to be skilled at gaining appearance, status, money, reputation, or position. And that may be ok, but they become addicted to it. They love the validation that they think they get from it. I heard a line on a TV show recently that said, “I am winning but I don’t feel like I am winning.”

The issue is that external success and inner alignment are not synonymous. And the more we make a life a constant performance, the more exhausting it is to perform. Maintenance is the issue. When we are constantly asking ourselves things like: How am I doing? Am I winning? Am I the best? Am I ahead? Am I Behind? It becomes overwhelming.

Oddly, some of the clients that have enormous stamina also carry huge responsibilities. They are leading organizations, raising families, and building communities. Some are even caring for parents or siblings. And yet they seem more energized than people who are doing much less. But you must come to the realization that there is a tremendous difference between living just for your self-worth (and pride) as opposed to living in service to something much larger than self. One drains you; one energizes you.

I see it in great leaders. I see it in great athletes. I see it in great coaches. I see it in great parents. Those teachers, leaders, and parents seem less consumed with themselves and mostly energized. It is all a matter of focus. So, my job over the next few months is to coach my client how to re-focus his life. Faith is a great place to start because I have always said to people that I have prayed for, “The the only difference between fear and faith is focus.” The great commandment is to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul and love our neighbor as ourselves. Notice, it doesn’t say, "Love yourself, it will make you happy." If we simply start with focusing on our love of God and then others, the burden is lifted and the exhaustion goes away. But we need to refocus our faith.